It's currently 1:27 am as I'm writing this post. Hey there! It's been quite some time since I've blogged *sad face*... I'm just gonna break into pieces some of the reasons, so if you are interested, you are welcome to continue reading.
In 3 days, I will be 21 years old... and the thought of it makes me so nervous. I feel like I'm not there yet if that makes sense. On my mind, things were planned in such a different way, by now I was going to be successful at what I call my dream job. I have such mixed feelings inside of me at the moment; I feel grateful for my life, but yet I am so so disappointed at myself. I give up so easily on my dreams, so I'm constantly chasing different things in life, and I've never found myself... I guess because of that.
I've been on a worst state and I don't want to go back there, but if you've been thru the same you know it keeps coming back to you. I am a very weak person, I get destroyed so easily inside, and yet I always smile as a sign of strength [mainly for others rather than myself] or a happiness that its really not there. There is just a hand-full of people who know I might be a person that goes thru depression and anxiety, and they've told me to reach for professional help, and I'm still considering it. Feeling what I feel [and what I consider depression] really sucks, and I freaking hate it so much! I could be the happiest girl at one moment, and just seconds away I just want to crawl back into my bed and start crying. Most of the times it happens when I see how far others have come achieving what I could have. I know, and agree that comparing is awful and the worst mistake you could do to yourself, but its inevitable sometimes.
And about my Youtube Videos, that's another thing that makes me so sad. It's the fact that I started my youtube channel back in 2011 [4 years on Oct 27th], and I'm not where I wanted to be by now. Again comparing myself to others who just started last year and have over 100k subscribers, it is really frustrating from which ever point you want to look at it. It sucks because I know the reasons why I'm not there yet... and yes, I understand some reach faster than others, but hey again, it's hard not to feel unsuccessful at this times.
I just want to be successful on at least one of the many things I want to do in life, I want to be strong, I want to be able to speak my own words, be able to be myself wherever I stand and not be frightened by the thought of being too loud or too happy...
There's nothing I love more than making others smile, laugh, it really fills me. But... does it really fills me enough to make myself happy? I'm sorry, I don't think so. I don't ever want to stop being the nice person I envision to be, but I need to make a balance between others and myself. I need to let go of the fear of saying no, the fear of losing friends, of being alone when I need somebody. I need to see that I'm a very talented human being, and not only that, but a person who wants to change the world positively with her creativity [even if that means helping other girls with things I wish I could do before for myself] and all the talents that God has given me.
** Please don't get me as an attention queen. It's always been easier for me to write how I feel... and always hard to actually speak with somebody about my pains and feelings.**
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